The Outsider Within…

I wanted you to understand it all, to see through the smiles, the laughter, the mask, and know that I was never perfect, and that nothing ever was as it appeared. Not that life had a tendency to make sense, but I just wanted you, and only you to see through it all and still take my hand and tenderly whisper in my ears, words of hope saying;

“Don’t worry everything will be ok, I am here with you, always.”

But you never did…,

You never dared to come near me even for a split second. Yet, you were always watching, like a hawk, your eyes peeling away every layer of my skin until there was nothing left to cover and hide the monsters inside, the demons that gave me company whenever I felt lonely, sad, or alone.

They ate me up, you know, piece by piece and used fears and disappointments to hide their identity. And be that as it may, you still stood and observed at a safe distance. As if to let yourself in, would mean I drown us both in the storm of fire that swirls inside me repeatedly with no hope of ever escaping.

But I wanted to have faith in you.

So, I created my own paradise where I was the hero, and you my the greatest teacher. And I convinced myself, that you never took my hand because you believed me strong and capable of fighting my own desires, my own selfishness, my own monsters. And the smile I always had plastered on my face when I returned to you, broken, but still victorious, kept you at bay. Because I had carried it for so long that you had somehow come to accept it as a piece of me. A part of me that gives me strength to face the next battle on two feet despite the number of times I stumble and fall.

I hoped it was all you and not me that was to be blamed for my insecurities, but the reality was tattooed all over. My fears of you seeing me bare, broken, and empty were too great. You could not possibly love me, because you cannot possibly understand the depth of secrets I carry within unless you are willing and ready to burn in the fires of hell to protect them. And that was never my intention, to drag you to the grave with me, to this Netherworld I have come to accept as my abode. Instead, I prayed that if I was to burn, rather I die alone with my pain than to see the look of disapproval and regret on your perfect face as you begin to understand what it feels like to walk and run in my petite shoes; Trapped in a fairy tale that had never existed and trying to hold on to an emotion that might never have been aroused.

Nachbhina Namahonje

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